PSA: I wrote this on 9/30/2018 but with moving houses and such it got lost in the mix. I still wanted to share it soooo enjoy!
Seriously going crazy over here!! It’s been a hard week. I won’t get into why but it’s been hard but during all of my time rocking a crying baby or a sick or screaming toddler I got to thinking about this whole stay-at-home mom thing. Or maybe it is more politically correct to say stay-at-home parent thing as I am sure a stay-at-home father may experience some of the same things that I do. It’s hard! It’s one of the hardest things that I have ever done. It is physically and mentally exhausting. It tests your patience and your relationships. Most importantly, it is a totally underrated job. Some days I wish I could just go to work to get a break from the constant demands of two under two. Other days, I am so incredibly happy that I am able to stay home with them. Talk about an emotional roller coaster right?!
So I chose this life. My husband and I work hard to make sure that one of us can be home to raise our children so I am not complaining. I am thankful. So incredibly thankful. And I try to remember to practice gratitude every day even when it is hard. My husband sent me a few articles recently that cross my mind a lot now since I read them. They really reiterate why we made these decisions we have made and validate some of our feelings and fears (read them here & here).
But even after reading those articles and receiving a little validation, it doesn’t change the fact that I am still at home and I still think about everything that I gave up to be here. I used to be somebody. I mean, I am somebody to my littles now…perhaps their most important somebody…but no one is impressed with that like people are with other accomplishments. I used to be a teacher. I think I was pretty good at what I did. I threw myself into my job and my students and did everything I could to help them be successful, which in turn made me feel successful. I was climbing the “ladder” at school by being part of some very important committees that were making really progressive moves forward in the education world. I like to think that people looked to me as an example of hard work and dedication…and people could actually see the fruits of my labor. Maybe I care too much about how other people view me and that is why I am having these feelings? Maybe I was more in love with the attention and recognition that I got when I was working than anything else? I’m not really sure but what I do know is that my job now is missing something big.
Now, being at home, I work harder some days than I ever did at school but have nothing to show for it. There are days that I don’t even get my teeth brushed until after lunch time and a shower?? Forget it. What is that? My husband gets home and I look a mess and wonder why he would ever want to come home to somebody like that. After all, he used to come home to a well-dressed professional. I mean, inside of me that woman still exists I think. There is still that highly educated woman who has a masters degree plus some but she is just covered in baby spit up, food stains from lunch time, and sprayed from head to foot with deodorant and dry shampoo. This is my life now. And I am trying really hard to accept it but sometimes it is really hard.
How do moms do it who have their own businesses and work from home? I’d love to talk to you!! I can’t find time for myself to take that shower or to workout right now much less even think about trying to get anything else done. I mean, as I type this I have two loads of laundry that need to be folded…oh wait actually three. I have a sleeping baby on my lap who won’t let me put him down. I have a toddler who is sleeping in my bed (thanks to my sick husband who sensed that I was about to lose it and took him to lay down with him). I am still in the pajamas that I went to bed last night in…which are inside out because I put them on so quickly so I could get back to soothing an upset baby. And my house is a huge mess. Toys are everywhere. Half-packed boxes are everywhere since we are moving soon. And I am already counting down the hours that I will be able to go to bed and get a few hours of sleep. Do moms who do something on the side just have older children? Do they have someone come help them out a few times a week with watching the kids so that they can get stuff done? Do they just not sleep? Please tell me your ways!!!! More importantly, please tell me that I’m not alone.
At the end of the day, I wouldn’t trade this life for anything. I have a beautiful family of two boys and a supportive and amazing husband who I love more today than the day I said I-do (if that is possible). So I’ll take the bad days and try to learn from them. I will continue to work on my patience and my ability to multi-task and set routines. I know those routines will get easier once my littlest is a little older. In other words, this too shall pass and life will settle down. Until then, I’ll be over here in my pajamas, chugging coffee, swimming in a sea of laundry and dirty dishes and enjoying baby and toddler snuggles while they still want to snuggle with me. As the saying goes…the days are long but the years are short. And my rambling is over for today.